How to Make a Best Friend
The storytelling solution to making friends anytime, anywhere with anyone.
Let us take a moment to be clear about a few things. What is a friend?
Just consider that for a moment and maybe even write a few things down:
Someone I can trust.
Someone who has my back.
When I am with them, I feel good.
That’s a pretty good list. So then we need to be clear about what “best” means in this context. When we were little we had best friends: so what made them the best? Again maybe write down a few things to help clarify:
They lived next door.
We liked the same things.
We had a really good time.
That fits my definition.
Now lets grow up a little and search out what makes a friend as an adult. We have jobs now. We have families. Maybe we go to church. Maybe we play sports or are a part of an “affinity group” or do volunteer work.
Who are are friends now? How did you become friends? It could be you became friends in high school or college and kept up. It could be you work together. It could be your kid and their kid are friends. It could be that you are a part of a club or social group.
But best friends?
That suddenly seems like a lot of pressure, or it gets a little political, like you need to create an algorithm that honors time spent and history and accessibility. It feels complicated and tricky. Many of us just decide that its best not to use such terms. We judge the idea as being silly anyway. Best friends is for kids.
Sure.
And joy is for kids. Holidays are for kids. Dreaming is for kids. Wonder, marvel and awe is for kids. Santa, tooth fairy, Easter Bunny, dragons, witches and magicians are for kids. It seems like a lot to give up.
So consider trying this fun exercise for a week: make a best friend wherever you are.
Here’s how it works:
Go somewhere (work, church, doctor’s appt., the grocery store, etc.)
Pick someone out (anyone - it doesn’t matter).
Decide they are your new best friend.
Make this true.
Perhaps the first two made sense but then I lost you at number four. Why on earth would you choose a random best friend? That role is sacred and earned, right?
Who says? There are no rules with this kind of thing. You aren’t signing anything, you are just making your life more fun and enjoyable. You are living life like Perrito in Puss n’ Boots: The Last Wish (definitely see that.) Yes, I am encouraging you to make best friends wherever you go.
Finding a common story is the key to making best friends.
A common story is the gold thread linking your heart to another. Everything else is just a detail.
If you want someone you can trust, try trusting them first. Find something you can trust them with. Share a story. Trust them by telling them something vulnerable about yourself. For instance, when you are at work, say “I love the show Friday Night Lights because it makes me cry. I love crying to TV shows”. Its not a huge risk but there’s a little risk there. Try it out and see what happens.
If you want someone to have your back, give them the opportunity. Create a story where you ask them for help. This can happen with anyone. Ask someone at the coffee shop to watch your computer while you go to the bathroom. When you get back, notice the bond you now feel with this person. Thank them. Offer to get their next coffee in return.
If you want to feel good with people, start by appreciating them. Give them a good look over and tease out a story that makes you happy. Do you like their shoes? Tell them. Compliments are short and very potent stories. Do you remember an expression they made during the team meeting that made you smile? Tell them. Let them know you appreciate them and notice how expressing it make you feel good.
What else do we want from a best friend? Proximity? Well they are standing right there. You like the same things? Well, figure out which things you both like. You want to have a great time? Enjoy them. Done.
I do this regularly. A lot of these spontaneous best friendships are fleeting, though, as we seldom keep in touch. Or even exchange numbers. But I sure enjoy them in the moment.
"Compliments are short and very potent stories." : ) I am going to quote you using this line in my next article. Love it!