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Ashley Gainer's avatar

I was named after a great grandfather’s brother and a cousin who shares the name. My middle name is a derivative of my grandmother’s name (Marie). My parents thought they were being edgy and original, and instead I was born at the forefront of the Ashley boom.

I always hated being one of multiple Ashleys in a classroom and being known as “Ashley G” and not just Ashley. I wanted to go by my middle name, but never fully went for it. I do still kind of regret that but it is what it is and I am who I am.

When I married the first time, I legally dropped my maiden name and replaced it with my then-husband’s. At the time, it was important to me to take his name. When we divorced I reverted to my maiden name socially and professionally but not legally. Had I not remarried when I did, I would have changed it legally within maybe 3 years of the divorce.

But I did remarry, and he wanted us to have the same last name. He didn’t care what it was as long as it was the same for both of us. For simplicity’s sake I took his name on.... with a twist. I added my maiden name back as a second middle name and then took the new last name legally. It was astonishingly easy to add the second middle name. I’d come with every important document I could think of, but the only thing they asked for was to verify the spelling.

After my second husband committed some pretty heinous crimes and was sentenced to prison, I wanted to drop his name immediately but didn’t know what I wanted to change it to. I’d grown to enjoy the relative anonymity of working online under a name that “wasn’t really mine” so I didn’t want to revert again.

Eventually I decided to change all of our names (the kids and me) to another last name from the broader family tree, but needed time for my finances to recover from the terrible ordeal to make it happen. And in the waiting period, I met someone. And if we get hitched, he would want me to have his name.

So now I’m in a different kind of waiting period -- waiting to see how this relationship plays out. If it works, cool, I know what I’ll do. And if it doesn’t, I’ll give us a new family name on my own.

One thing I’ve noticed about myself is a life-long ambivalence to my name. I’ve always felt like a Jill and I’m frequently mis-remembered as Heather. My name never felt like ME and has thus never been important to me. It’s probably because of that indifference that I never made big moves outside of the window of opportunity provided by a marriage -- a name change was never worth the effort until there was a spouse in the picture who wanted us to have the same last name. And if there’s anything I’ve learned over the past 20 years, it’s that my name can change all I want but I’m still the same person.

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Karina's avatar

Honestly I was like "what happened to the Earl?" so thank you! And congratulations!

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