There's a Whole in the Bucket

Dear Liza. Dear Liza.

The more I tell stories and teach others how to do it, the more I learn that the true gift of storytelling is what I call the CONTAINER. You’ll see it pop up in other posts.

I’m doing research for my dissertation, which is a program evaluation of Restorative Storytelling. RS is the use of stories and storytelling for healing and developing community. The Container is the sixth storytelling tool taught and over and over again, people report it is the tool that changed everything.

Here’s the deal:

• When you tell a story, you enter into a contained event.

• The story has a moment with it begins and ends.

• It takes place in a certain time and space.

• The story has an intention

• There is a person talking and at least one person listening.

This is the container of a story: the who, what, why, when and where of a storytelling event. When we know the container of a story, then we can enter it, and more importantly, exit it.

Why is this important and at all interesting?

If we expand our understanding of stories and storytelling to include any use of language to talk “about” something else with coherence, then most conversations could be considered storytelling. Lectures are storytelling. Answers to most questions become storytelling. Storytelling is thus, our primary mode of human communication.

And if you believe this to be true, then the container gives this kind of interaction a structure. It contains moments of storytelling with a set of rules that are unique to that interaction, and therefore…

It gets everyone on the same page.

How many times have we inadvertently upset, offended, confused or disappointed someone simply because there was a misunderstanding? Often? More times than not, this is due to a lack of conscious containment. We weren’t clear about the who, what, where, when and why of our storytelling in that moment.

For instance;

One member of a couple wants to be heard while the other member of a couple believes it is time to solve problems. This is a misunderstanding of the why.

Or someone tells a joke to a friend and a third person takes the joke personally and out of context. This is a misunderstanding of the who.

Or someone shifts from giving advice to telling a personal story about their day and confuses the listener. This is a misunderstanding of the when.

So imagine a bucket.

Photo by Sixteen Miles Out on Unsplash

Inside the bucket are the rules of the storytelling event.

Who: I am going to have a conversation with my child about what happened in school today.

Why: Because I want to find out their perspective on what happened. Not to correct or give advice or teach them anything. Only to find out what happened.

When: After my child has a snack and before they go upstairs to their room.

Where: In the kitchen while sitting side by side at the kitchen counter.

How long: Only ten minutes unless the child needs more time to talk.

All of these rules of the storytelling event are in the bucket. And when both people have agreed to these rules, you both enter the bucket. This signals that the storytelling event has begun and that the rules won’t change. Other people are not invited. We will keep to 10 minutes unless the child needs more time. The adult is there to listen and ask clarifying questions only.

Then, when 10 minutes is up, you leave the bucket.

Or you re-contain.

This happens when someone else enters the space, or you need more time or you both realize that the intention of the interaction or lesson or recounting has changed. It’s ok to change course, but I believe it is important that everyone know this is happening.

Its important that everyone be in the same bucket.

If there is a whole in the bucket, dear Liza, then the bucket is contained. If not, there is a hole instead. And something important is going to spill out.